Today is my father’s 11th death anniversary. I can still recall the moment I was beside him on his bed a few minutes before he died. I couldn’t stop from crying.  I wailed like I had lost the most important person in my life.  Dad was a great man. He was strict with all of us his children, but he taught us about life. He was wise and very intelligent. When I was young, I couldn’t appreciate the long talks he would give us almost every night after dinner. I would get too sleepy and he would yell at me and said that I wasn’t interested in what he was talking about  (well, back then, I really wasn’t). I was always afraid to make mistakes as he would scold me just about every mistake that I committed. But as I grew up and faced life on my own, I realized how valuable all his teachings were. I realized how fortunate I was to have had a father who never got tired of talking and teaching his children the important things about life. I loved my dad so very much. And I miss him a lot. Wherever he may be right now, if he is listening to me, I’d like to say these words to him “thanks, dad… for being a very important part of my life.  I miss you”. 

Yesterday, my fiance and I went out for a client call.  We were a bit late for the meeting time, but fortunately, he had a visitor when we arrived.   While quietly waiting, I found myself saying a little prayer that things would turn out well in this meeting.  I asked forgiveness for all my shortcomings and promised to make changes in myself.   Suddenly realized that about a month ago, I sat on that same chair, saying exactly the same prayer I was saying at that moment.   Last month, my prayer was granted.  But as I look back,  I realized that I made a promise I wasn’t able to keep all throughout the month.  And here I was, asking again. 

 About a few more minutes later, we were finally called into the office of the client.   I was a bit nervous.  I knew I broke my promise the last time, and if I were in His shoes, I surely would be the type of person who would not give another chance.  I didn’t deserve it.  Yet I kept on hoping and praying inside my head.  The meeting turned out great, just as we hoped for!  Amazingly, my prayer was granted, again!  

On our way home, we talked about how hard we both prayed each time we went on our client calls.  I talked about all the promises I’ve made in the past, all the promises I’ve broken, and yet my prayers were still granted.  I realized how untrue I was to my own words, and yet I was heard.  How many of us have realized this in our lives?  That God is such a forgiving God.  No matter how undeserving we are, no matter what we have done, He always hears us in the hour of our need.  All we have to do is ASK.   It’s a matter of believing, a matter of faith.  It’s a matter of being humble enough to acknowledge our mistakes, but God forgives.  A matter of accepting that God and only God can give us what we need, so long as we ASK for them.  Yes, my friends, have faith because God answers prayers.

Guess how much I love you?  How much can I love  you?  I love too much.  At times I love more than enough.  It’s the kind of love that tends to forget that there ’s such a word as “myself”.    I’ve done this too many times in my life, and I just can’t seem to change it.  The people in my life, my mother, my true love, my kids….I love them too much.  I love them like I just can’t live a day without them.  I yearn for them to love me, to need me just as much as I need them.  But I guess this is one thing that seldom happens.    It’s either you love them too much, or they love you too much.    Ever heard of the saying “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”  But witnessing their happiness and contentment in life is like food for my heart.  And my body responds in synchrony with my heart.  When things go wrong,  my heart can’t have the food it needs.  You can just imagine how skinny I could become if my heart was undernourished.  I know I need to separate these two.  I try.  I will try.  I don’t want to be weak.  I know one day, each of the kids will have their own lives, and I know if this happened today, it would kill me.  At this point in my life, I cannot take losing any one of them.  But when it does have to happen… will I survive the loneliness?  I pray for strength, that I will always be strong enough to bear the pains that come and go.  I pray for wisdom to know the right things to do every single day of our lives.  I pray for guidance that He will always lead the way for me to keep this happiness and contentment that He has given me in this life.  May God grant my prayers…